Kinsey’s Secret Ingredient

George: I’ve been reading hate mail on Wipe Out Homophobia's hate mail page.
George: Excerpt:
George: "Thank you so much for your beautifully-composed message. It arrived just as I was eating lunch, which as you probably know, for us gays, consists of vol-au-vents filled with pink marshmallows and sprinkled liberally with glitter."

Mike: Wonderful.
Mike: Is it bad that I had to look up vol-au-vent, and now I want one?

George: They're pretty delicious.

Mike: Where to get them?

George: Gay people.

Mike: I'm asking one. Right now.

George: Oh. Uh. Well, you know.
George: Trade secret.

Mike: Well, that's not fair.

George: When I can get married, you can have vol-au-vents.

Mike: Or I can Google the recipe, and you still can't get married.

George: You can Google up a recipe, but it's not the same.
George: Ours are made with a secret ingredient.
George: (It's totally not gay semen.)

Mike: It's gay semen, isn't it?

George: It’s not NOT gay semen!

Mike: So, you're saying it's gay semen.

George: I'd never admit to something like that.

Mike: Oh, of course not. But we both know it is.
Mike: Here is a recipe.
Mike: Or, here is a list of recipes.

George: The secret ingredient isn't listed in any of those.

Mike: That's ok, I brew my own secret ingredient.

George: Is it gay semen?
George: I'm not admitting to anything as far as a secret ingredient, but unless it's gay semen you're brewing, it just won't be the same.

Mike: If we were to assume that the population of gay semen follows the trends in human population, that I'd say at least 15% of it is gay semen.

George: Closer to 1.5%.

Mike: How do you figure? I thought it was 10-15%.

George: The 10% figure is based off of Kinsey's testing of college-age students from the '60s.
George: It's most often quoted, but for obvious reasons it is highly subjective.
George: More standardized, subsequent testing has leveled the number closer to somewhere between 1.5% and 2%.

Mike: Hmm.

George: Here is a relevant video.

Mike: I wonder, though, if that's "out," whereas it would be much higher if not for the stigma attached.

George: It's entirely possible that the number is still skewed for the reason you describe.
George: Anonymous testing would help take care of it, but the tests have been done by professionals who know how to account for that sort of thing.

George: The applicable Wiki article even establishes that at the top.

Mike: Interesting.

George: U.S. demographics.
George: I didn't realize before that last link that the different numbers would be so drastic in different cities.
George: It makes sense if you think about it for half a second. I just never took the time.

Mike: Oh yeah – gay friendly city, so people move there.
Mike: What an incredibly odd tangent we find ourselves on.

George: Is it?
George: I discuss this sort of thing pretty frequently.
George: People have gay questions. I have gay answers.

Mike: I just mean from discussing pastry we ended up discussing LGBT population percentage.
Mike: It's not exactly a 1:1 relationship.

George: Ha, I see.
George: From Pastry to Gay: The Mike / George Story.

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Rat Rapture Pasture

Mike: Kinda bored.
Mike: And I think a bit hungry.

George: There's a cure for that.

Mike: I have no access to food, currently.

George: Oh.
George: You'll probably die of starvation, then.
George: That's the standard prognosis.

Mike: I'll die of boredom first, at this rate.

George: It was good knowing you.
George: I'll take care of your rat.

Mike: I have two rats.

George: I can only handle the emotional trauma of caring for one other living being at a time.
George: Would it be possible for you to SCIENCE! them into one rat before passing on?

Mike: I'm afraid not, sorry.

George: Hmm.
George: I'm afraid that it's a fight to the death, then.
George: Never fear, though – we'll equip them with adorable helmets.
George: For safety’s sake.

Mike: Well, as long as they’re adorably safe.
Mike: My personal favorite is Osiris, but Hathor is way more aggressive. Put your money on Hathor.


George: What?
George: I wasn't going to take bets.

Mike: If you aren't taking bets, then what's the point?

George: We’re trying to determine which rat gets food and shelter, not make a profit.
George: That's inhumane.

Mike: It’s not about profit, George.
Mike: We aren’t monsters.
Mike: You can take a cut from the bets to fund food and shelter for the winner.

George: I’m not a bookie.

Mike: Since when?
Mike: Honestly, it's like I don't even know who you are sometimes.

George: It is surprisingly like that.
George: So you want to pit one rat against the other in a fight to the death to see which one will live out its days with sunshine and rainbows forevermore, and use the proceeds from betting in order to fund the lifestyle?

Mike: Yup. Simple logic.
Mike: Ooh, nevermind – I found a Snickers bar.

George: How can you think about food when we are deciding on the fate of living beings?

Mike: I find it best to contemplate fate on a full stomach.

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This Stew Tastes Funny

George: Soooo cooooold.
George: My kind hates winter.

Mike: Not me. I have a nice, comfy hoodie with fleece on the inside.
Mike: This one, in fact.
Mike: In black, because… black.
Mike: I also have a nice, comfy, fleece-lined flannel at home.
Mike: Not from OutletShirts, though. That one I got at the army-navy surplus.

George: My kind doesn't generate body heat.
George: We're more reptilian than human, really.

Mike: What, cows?

George: Caribbean people.

Mike: My kind – big, burly, viking stock – have all the heat necessary.

George: We never had to generate our own, in the tropical climes of the Caribbean.
George: Warm and wet.
George: . o O ( Giggedy. )

Mike: Well, between raping and pillaging nearby villages, we had to survive some harsh winters.

George: You'd think between the vigorous activities of raping and pillaging that you'd have generated enough body heat to take care of it.

Mike: Well, sure, while we are doing those things. But when we aren't – which is rare, and pretty much only while we're sleeping – we still have to survive.

George: What? No, only the strong survive. Not the ones with built-in padding.
George: Extra weight is tougher to carry around!
George: Your thinking is all wrong, Mike. Face it. With the extra layers, you survived as…
George: …Cakes.

Mike: Onions have layers.
Mike: And also they also tend to make people cry. :)

George: Only when you peel off a layer or two.
George: There’s probably a lesson in there somewhere.

Mike: There is. People are like onions: they make excellent flavoring in stew.

George: Whatever you’re paying your psychologist, it’s not enough.

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This Is Why Your Vote Counts

Mike: So, a PHP script I wrote to update inventory imports CSV data fine, but chokes on images from zip files. I’m only accounting for one directory, but it looks like the zip file contains two.
Mike: Either the supplier is stupid or PHP is. I'm thinking supplier, because PHP wouldn't be adding directories.
Mike: I wonder if I can get PHP to search the child of a given directory without specifying name…

George: I vote 'yes.'

Mike: Well then it's settled.
Mike: Wait, why are you voting?

George: It's election day! All things are settled with votes.
George: That's how it works, right?

Mike: I don't know, let's vote on it and see.

George: I vote 'yes.'

Mike: I vote 'no'.

George: Shit. What do we do?

Mike: The Supreme Court has decided: your vote was invalid due to a badly mangled doohickey.
Mike: Therefore, in a 100% landslide: ‘no’.

George: Just because you ate a Crunchwrap Supreme from Taco Bell doesn't mean you get to call Supreme Court shots.

Mike: I've never eaten a Crunchwrap Supreme.

George: Haven't you? Let's vote.
George: I vote 'yes.'

Mike: I vote 'no'.
Mike: The Supreme Court – in a 5-4 decision – has ruled that tacos are a far superior food source.
Mike: I'm not sure what that means for our vote.

George: As Taco Bell ground beef contains an undisclosed amount of oatmeal, I find the entire court in contempt.
George: (I can do that.)

Mike: In a rare double-whammy decision, the Supreme Court has also announced that people who find them in contempt – or act out that ridiculous scene from "…And Justice For All" – are, in fact, Not True Scotsman and therefore their votes never count for anything.

George: On the charge of freely and uninhibitedly utilizing a false argument, I charge them guilty as… uh, charged.
George: Three months in the GeorgeWorld Slammer.
George: The name of which implies A) prison and B) slamming.
George: (Of the butt.)

Posted in Obfuscation | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Christ on a Cracker!

Mike: Check out this link.

George: I need one of these.

Mike: Just think George – you could have Jesus in your mouth anytime you want! And we both know he was well hung…

George: I’ll take the time to savior him.
George: "…capitalizing on the hunger for Jesus crust." HA!

Mike: Start your day the Catholic way – with Transubstantiated Jesus Bread!

George: Christ on a cracker!

Mike: Jesus toast – the real story behind the loaves and the fishes.

George: Put Christ on your toast with the power of the lord!

Mike: I think you mean “Tha Powah of tha LAAAWWWDUH!”

George: It’s hilariously funny to picture you delivering that particular pronunciation in person.

Mike: It’s a hilariously funny pronunciation.

Posted in Obfuscation | 3 Comments