Jesus and friends approached Jerusalem, and ran into Bethphage of Olive Hill.
Jesus: You and you – I need you to roll into town and get me a few things from the swap meet.
Disciple #1: Sure, no problem.
Jesus: I need an ass. Two of them! And one of them needs to be… young.
The disciples looked at one another askance, feeling slightly uncomfortable.
Disciple #2: Um, okay…
There was a moment of silence while Jesus and his disciples stared at each other.
Jesus: Well, what are you waiting for? An engraved invitation from God?
Disciple #1: No, its just… are you gonna give us the money now, or should we get receipts?
Jesus: Money? I'm Jesus MOTHER FUCKING Christ! I don't pay for shit! (Mathew 21:1-21:5)
The disciples went to Bethphage, retrieved and clothed the donkeys, and brought them back to Jesus.
Jesus: Hey, thanks! C’mere. I gotta question for you two peeps. Why did you strip naked and stretch your clothing around these animals? (Mathew 21:6-21:7)
And so, Jesus and his flock headed into town. Jesus held his arms upward, patiently waiting.
Jesus: Why are my asses treading upon dirt?!
And so the followers of Jesus stripped off all of their clothing, and cast it to the ground in front of Jesus and his asses. When they were all naked, they started picking branches off of trees and covered the ground in them. The last two miles to Jerusalem took a long time. (Mathew 21:8-21:9)
Town: Who are you? THIEF! You’ve stolen the donkey that helped us plow our fields! And then you… dressed it in a suit and tie…
Jesus: It wasn’t me.
Disciple #1: No, you don’t understand! This is Jesus, Son of Joseph, Prophet of Nazareth and somehow Galilee as well. It’s okay.
Disciple #2: It was GOD who stole your donkey and dressed it for the ball! Also, Jesus is going to need this freshly-baked apple pie.
Town: Okay? How will we plow our fields now?
And Disciple #2 shrugged, mouth full of pie. (Mathew 21:10-21:11)
Jesus was very upset at this, so he went into their temple and went straight gangsta. Threw out anyone who was buying or selling goods, overturned tables; basically, put boot to ass. (Mathew 21:12)
Town: Dude, what the hell? First you steal our work animals, now you’re tearin’ shit up! What gives?
Jesus: Don’t you get it? This place is a place of servitude to me, but all you’ve got here is thieves.
Town: The only thieves here are you and your friends! We were getting along perfectly well without you here.
Jesus: Watch what you say. I’m the Son of God, don’t you know.
Town: Son of God? All you’ve done since you came to town is steal our work animals, destroy our businesses and fuck up our economy! How do we know you’re really the Son of God?
Jesus laughed and went to bed. (Mathew 21:13-21:17)
The next morning, Jesus was really hungry and cranky. A really old fig tree which bore no more fruit was nearby.
Jesus: Hey, you see that tree over there? Fuck that tree and anything near that tree!
Years later, the tree died. (Mathew 21:18-21:19)
The townspeople were very impressed.
Town: Oh shit! I think I can see it withering away right before our eyes! Jesus is magic!
Jesus, afroth of the mouth, gave a brief oration.
Jesus: That’s right, bitches! You want it, you got it! Have faith in me, or the tree’s fate shall be yours! See that mountain? BLAM! Seabed! Get your words up into the house of the LORD! (Mathew 21:20-21:22)