George -> Out of Town

George: Hey, the aardvark farm needs spraying. I won't be around for a bit.


Mike: Oh, I'll spray your aardvark farm alright. You dirty, dirty girl.
Mike: Hey, wait, you're not a girl!


George: Surprise!

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Stately Skillsets

George: It has become necessary to find other ways to amuse myself at work.
George: Today, I have found such a method.


Mike: Do tell.


George: I answered a trouble ticket with a poem.
George: Specifically, I was asked to move a now-not-used computer into a vacant room and make it work.
George: To wit:


Hello! I hope this e-mail finds you well.
Let me give to you the latest intel:
Per the request, this computer move’s done.
Believe me – it was a whole ton of fun!


The keyboard stopped working during the change.
I’m not really sure why. It was quite strange!
It matters so little, though, I admit:
With a dig through spare parts, we replaced it.


Happily, there was no other setback.
Your logins should work. (If not, I’m a hack!)
Anyway, use it with no compunctions.
As always, let us know of malfunctions!


Mike: Well done.


George: Thanks!
George: My supervisor said that we're wasting my talents.


Mike: Clearly they really are.
Mike: I mean, they probably haven't had you suck very many cocks, for example.


George: Yeah, not a whole lot.
George: Is it a talent if it's an instinct?
George: I mean, just because it's something I tend to emulate doing something in my sleep doesn't mean I'm good at it.


Mike: That’s beside the point.
Mike: You know what the Joker says.
Mike: If you're good at something, never do it for free.


George: Hmm.
George: Maybe they should put it to use more often.


Mike: Sure. I mean, it may have started as a primal need, but you've developed a technique. You're a fucking artist!
Mike: (See what I did there?)


George: HA!

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Lord of the Sweet Tooth

George: Did I tell you about yesterday's prayer at work?


Mike: No, you did not.


George: Well! Get ready for storytime!


Mike: Yaaaay! Story time! Let me get some popcorn and a blanky.


George: Yesterday, I was on the dispatch floor chatting with a coworker, and was about to leave for lunch with a friend
George: I said as much, and she asked if I would bring chocolate back for her.
George: I said, "I'll pray about it."
George: A bunch of people stared at me.
George: "If I get any response – any at all – then I'll bring you back some chocolate."
George: A few people laughed. (Those are the atheists – I can tell.)
George: Someone who is religious heard me. She said, "George! C'mere!" and handed me an Andes thin mint.
George: I raised it over my head and said,
George: "OH, GREAT OSIRIS! Lord of the underworld!"
George: "Hear this request from your humble servant!"
George: "Please provide us a chocolate repast!"
George: Then I handed it to her, and walked out.


Mike: Suppressing laughter so I don't have to explain…
Mike: Holy shit, that was awesome.


George: The coworker who handed me the piece of chocolate seemed rather upset, but this is the same person who I’m pretty sure once faked having cancer. So, you know. Good Christian, and all that.


Mike: Of course she wasn’t faking it. She just prayed really, really hard.


George: I’m sure.
George: Like when I prayed for chocolate, my prayers were answered!
George: If they try to fire me, I'll just sue them for discriminating against my worship of Osiris.


Mike: I doubt they're going to try – I mean, your prayer worked. If anything, they should promote you.
Mike: Or deify you.


George: They've practically already done the latter.
George: The people here love me.
George: Which just means I have them fooled.
George: Fooled, I say! FOOOOOOLED!


Mike: The fools!


George: Maybe once I tire of this launching into prayer thing, I'll just start claiming that I am <insert one of Lucifer's many names here>.


Mike: That might get you in trouble. Claiming to be the devil has, traditionally, not worked out for people.
Mike: Not worked out well, anyway.


George: Depends on context.
George: "How do you get these computers to work again, George? I tried everything!"

George: "I'm Baphomet."


Mike: "George, you got this project done in record time!"
Mike: "Well, it's easy when you're a fallen angel."


George: "George, where are you from?"
George: "God. I'm kind of the black sheep."


Mike: "What's your education background?"
Mike: "I've studied everything mankind has done since it was mature enough to invent me as a symbol of what torments them."


George: I picture being burned at the stake as a win.


Mike: Well then I wish you godspeed.
Mike: Or, you know. YOUspeed.


George: Devilspeed.
George: I should start saying that, too.


Mike: Hmm. I'm a friend of the devil. I wonder if that makes me a terrible atheist?


George: It makes you a really determined one.


Mike: I suppose it does.

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Vaccines Are So Gay

Mike: Remember how we were discussing if you possibly rank on the autism scale?

Mike: Turns out, you do! "(Homosexuality) is a microform of autism."


George: Ah ha ha. Fabmelous.
George: There’s no way that could possibly be inaccurate.
George: You know, since vaccines have been happening long enough that we would have already seen a significant increase in hot man-on-man action.


Mike: Well, yeah. It's a fucking ridiculous claim, even more so than the supposed link between vaccines and any kind of autism (much less a made-up kind).


George: Oh, hokey science. Will you never cease to come through for me?


Mike: The (god-awful, ridiculous, should die-in-a-fire) Huffington Post has the original article. Nowhere in it it explained what kind of scientist this mook is, only that he is a "scientist, journalist, and opponent of vaccinations" who is "a proponent of alternative medicine."
Mike: I think we can safely ignore this whackjob.
Mike: Still, congratulations on your autism!


George: Thanks!
George: I'll celebrate by sticking something long and sharp through my eye.


Mike: Squinckt!


George: Excellent callback.


Mike: I'm sure you can find a more comfortable place to stick something long, anyway.


George: It might be more comfortable, but only because it’d be like throwing a hotdog down a hallway at this point.


Mike: You mean like throwing a toothpick down a volcano?


George: Sort of, in that you’re likely to just lose the whole ensemble in there.
George: More like thrusting a dagger into a greatsword scabbard.


Mike: Oh, like throwing the One Ring into the Fires of Mordor.


George: You’re focused on girth.
George: Focus on length.
George: To put it in terms you’d understand – it’s like the length of Creationist history compared to actual history.


Mike: I see – insignificant, like a speck of dust in the vastness of space.


George: Like tossing a brine shrimp into the Strait of Gibraltar.


Mike: Like a motorcycle in a train tunnel.


George: Closer.


Mike: Like an ant in a train tunnel?


George: Aaaannnnd we’re out of time.

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Annoying Mid-Season Quirky Character

Mike: So, George. Wiggles was telling me he is interested in meeting other plants. He specifically mentioned someone's begonia.

George: You had a conversation with Wiggles?

Mike: Indeed.

George: Wiggles is a plant, Mike.

Mike: Yes. I was conducting an interview for Plants and Offices Quarterly, and he brought up wanting to meet other plants. Here, take a look:


Mike: Wiggles, thanks for joining me today to answer some questions.

Wiggles: Hello!
Wiggles: Hey, what is it like outside of Owner's office?

Mike: I'm not going to lie, Wiggles – it's spectacular. The planet is 70% water, and the sun shines pretty much all of the time.

Wiggles: 70% water?
Wiggles: Why isn't Owner wet when he walks in?

Mike: He lives on land.
Mike: I should let you know that typically at an interview, the interviewer asks the questions.

Wiggles: Oh..!

Mike: You’ve brought up Owner. Can you tell us more about Owner?

Wiggles: Owner walks on his roots! He brings water!

Mike: Sort of a life giver, then.

Wiggles: He only talks to me when there aren’t any other walkers around, and he mostly sings.

Mike: That’s hilariously interesting.
Mike: Is Owner always with you?

Wiggles: No. Not even most of the time!
Wiggles: The light comes back, and some Owner-like walkers move around, and then Owner comes in later.
Wiggles: Sometimes he waters me.
Wiggles: Then Owner leaves, and then all the other walkers leave, and then the light goes away, and then later, it comes back again.

Mike: Is it always the same type of water?
Mike: Does he sometimes use tap, then sometimes bottled?

Wiggles: Owner talked about that once.
Wiggles: He was singing about tap water being bad, so he has to let it sit over something he called a whee ken.
Wiggles: All the bad stuff floats right out of it! Do you think it's ghosts?

Mike: …Maybe.
Mike: Have you ever been outside Owner's office?

Wiggles: Not for as long as I can remember.
Wiggles: When I was a sprout, I was too small to see over the edge of my pot. So, maybe then.

Mike: Does it ever get lonely?

Wiggles: Sometimes, when the light goes away for a really long time.
Wiggles: It's usually right before those people and Owner talk about the whee ken.
Wiggles: Rocky is here to keep me company, but he’s kind of quiet.
Wiggles: Someone who wasn't Owner was in here once, and talked about a begonia.
Wiggles: I hope Owner introduces us.

Mike: Perhaps I'll pass the word along.
Mike: You keep mentioning "whee ken" – I think they are talking about the weekend.
Mike: Do you know about weekends?

Wiggles: 'Weekends'? No.
Wiggles: Does a 'weekend' make the light go away for a long time?
Wiggles: Does it take ghosts out of water?

Mike: No, not generally.
Mike: It is typically just a couple of days that humans – that's what ‘walkers’ like Owner and I are called – take days off work and relax.
Mike: We turn the lights off when we leave our offices though.

Wiggles: You have power over light?!

Mike: Only a little.
Mike: Tell me more about Rocky.
Mike: Is he like Owner, or is he something else?

Wiggles: Oh, he's something else!
Wiggles: Here is a picture I keep of him. Not at all like Owner, you see:


Mike: Uh… wow.
Mike: Rocky looks like a solid guy. Very magna-ficent!

Wiggles: We only recently met.

Mike: Is he sometimes a little stony?

Wiggles: Once in a while.
Wiggles: We’re still working out our boundaries.

Mike: Only time shale tell if things work out.

Wiggles: Right!

Mike: You wouldn’t want to take anything for granite.
Mike: It might prematurely erode the friendship.

Wiggles: It sounds like you know how it goes.

Mike: Indeed.
Mike: At any rate, he sounds like a real gem!

Wiggles: I concur!

Mike: Well, that rocks.
Mike: It's been nice chatting with you, Wiggles.
Mike: I'll be sure to pass along that you want to meet that begonia.

Wiggles: Why, thank you, Mike!
Wiggles: It has been a pleasure meeting you.


George: You are a strange, strange smurf.

Mike: You're the one with a talking plant.

Posted in Obfuscation, Wiggles | Tagged | Comments Off